Since I don’t have my Abilify I have been taking Ativan (.5 mg) in the morning and in the afternoon (as needed) which really is amazingly good since I was taking Abilify and Ativan (as needed).  I am definitely dealing with depression issues and symptoms, and I really don’t like that, and want the Abilify back for those.   Thankfully I was on such a low dose I haven’t really had any major detox side effects or anything.

I am really clinging to God more through this, I have a book of verses and prayers that I have put together that I read through nearly every morning to help get me through, and then again before I go to bed, or at anytime the pain gets too bad.

Ahhh, pain…Yes for the last month or so I am waking up nearly every morning in such insane pain, that it is waking me up.  Basically my back and hips are locking up, I think I would like to try a chiropractor but those cost money….and since we are still paying upwards of $200 a month on my drugs and I don’t have/can’t get insurance it will probably have to wait.  I have found a few yoga stretches that I can do in the morning to help to release the pain/tension so that does help.

Last week I had this major dizzy spell, where I could barely stand upright, let alone walk so that was new and weird.  And I am ricking a serious headache today.  Oh such fun.  That’s about it for now.

i am meeting a new doctor today. i don’t wanna go. there is about 2 hours of driving that will be happening today, which means 2 hours of riding in the car, going places i haven’t been before. i am so not happy about this.

Well today the pain came back strong, and after having a horrible night sleep the pain came back as bad as it had been on Tuesday. So off to the ER we went. I looked up the two closest hospitals, we are about a half hour from them both, so I chose the one that looked nicer. I am a hospital snob. And off we went. The pain started to subside but was still there. Well we go there and were wisked right back to a room where the most people at once that I have ever seen went to work, in under 5 minutes I had an EKG, they got a quick medical history from their nifty computers and they got an IV line in on the first try. Needless to say I was impressed. about 20 minutes later the doctor came in and told me about Costochndritis and about the 3 different levels of it, the first time, one time only rare version, the chronic version which about 10% of people.

Basically, the muscle under the breast tissue gets an infection and gets inflamed and any movement or expansion of the chest makes it hurt like h*ll. Its essentially self healing and will take about 1 – 2 weeks and it can come back at any time. The pain, when its bad can go all the way around to the back and have pain there. This explains the crazy pain I have only on the left side and that is only muscular.

They gave me a anti-inflammatory and a steroid and a pain med through the IV at the hospital and he prescribed 2 drugs, that I am hoping to have enough money for this week (providing they aren’t too expensive) this is the HUGE downside to being in the insurance loop-hole. I can’t get state insurance and I can’t get on the high risk state insurance until we have lived in TN for 6 months. So, we can all start praying that the ER bill isn’t huge as we were only there for about 3 hours and their payment plan is reasonable.

But, I have been waking up at night with my arm having fallen asleep, I figured it had something to do with the way I was sleeping (laying on that arm) and let it go. However this past week it has happened fairly often and to both arms at the same time, and then last night to both arms and legs. I had been sleeping on my back at the time. I have been having SERIOUS back pain lately to the point where moving some mornings was nearly impossible.
Not having my normal doctors to go to or to call on is causing me GREAT amounts of stress and anxiety. I have to decided to go to the ER or Urgent Care about this and even then I don’t know if they will do anything since it only happens when I sleep.
Not having health insurance is horrible and not being able to get it even when I want it or being able to afford it (even the state high risk insurance pool, which I don’t even qualify for yet) is even worse. (SO so not getting political here – but I could LOL).
My head is in such a fog, reading is difficult at best. And I am praying that I am back to the “Normal Me” by next week for my sermon. I am preaching on faith and Gods faithfulness to us, including His healing abilities and here I am suffering and praying for my own healing and I know its coming I just don’t know when.
Ok, that’s it for now. Just had to get this down for my records.

So at this point you are probably wondering what is making this change in me, this change of view.  Well, in 2005, when we “moved” (a term I use loosely) to NH I started selling Mary Kay, which I did for several years, but the focus and my focus and drive was all wrong.  But I loved who I was, how I carried myself, the way that I interacted with people and the way that I cared about myself.

I just re-signed up to sell Mary Kay, and I am super excited about it, and I have made my goals and dreams and plans entirely different this time.  I am putting God in the drivers seat on this one.  My focus last time was purely monetary which isn’t a bad thing but not how Mary Kay Ash created the business, she created it with God as her partner to enrich women’s lives, and I didn’t have God as my partner.  And that isn’t a requirement to sell Mary Kay, and I am sure there are hundreds of thousands of women who don’t have God as a part of their focus, but for me, this time, it’s what I need.

So, that is the big announcement, I am selling Mary Kay.  I will ship throughout the USA and I look forward to building a team of women who have similar goals as I do, and I can’t wait to bring back pieces of the old me.  :)

Since you last joined me, we were planning to move to Tennessee – And we did!  It too 3 days just over 1000 miles and just as many dollars to arrive at our new home with only what would fit in the car, which praise God was more than we expected.

Once we got here we discovered that my router which I needed for work was broken and thanks to an angel and Comcast we have a new one and its working just fine.  I am in the process of seeing if I can drastically reduce my hours and shift length at work because I am not handling the 7-9 hour shifts and the amount of days a week.  So I am asking for 15 hours a week with 6 hour shifts at the most.  This may not go over well as I agreed to stick with the shift I was given and I have been giving away shifts and that is frowned upon.  I am also not handling the surprising amount of stress to make sure that I doing everything right and meeting the standards that are set for me (which I am currently not meeting).  So while this job is a God send and looked great on paper and looked like it was made for me the constant changes and ability to implement those changes immediately isn’t happening on my end.  I am praying for wisdom as what to do, I have heard about another legit work from home company that specifically caters to those on disability and isn’t stressful.  I really don’t like that I have been having to take a whole ativan to make it through a shift and even then I end up in a panic/anxiety attack at the end of the day.   I am really seeking Gods wisdom in this (and until I ask for it opinions from the outside they are not needed -your prayers are coveted – but opinions are not- thank you).

So far we have settled into our townhouse nicely, I have an air mattress that I am sleeping on, my supportive and sacrificing hubby is in a sleeping bag on the floor as is the kiddo.  Our plan had been to buy mattresses when we got here but having to fix the car before the trip and gas costing a little more than expected (ie more fill ups) and the necessities that we had to get once we got here, threw that plan out the window.  But so far they aren’t complaining…

The campus is beautiful, and quiet though I am sure once all the students get here it won’t be nearly as quiet.  I feel safe here, which I haven’t felt in a LONG LONG time.  I still have anxiety about certain things but the kiddo is sleeping in her own room and I am handling that well.

We have found a church that we like and will try again next week.  The drive to the Walmart and grocery stores is beautiful but I don’t see myself driving anytime soon.  Its just too windy and narrow for me to feel comfortable.

So, we are here, and we are getting settled.

I started working (training for a part time job, from home) in mid-May, during the training period it was a full time schedule that required a lot of studying.  Much much more than I had expected.  With tests every few days that you had to pass or you would be fired, it wasn’t an easy or relaxed training environment.  Everyday for about 2 hours before it started I would have a mild panic attack that required an Ativan.  And once we were out of the main training and into the two week (trial by fire I would call it) period of dealing with live situations the anxiety and stress was magnified by about 100.  I don’t know if it was the shift I was on, 3-11pm est or the fact that I was doing so much more but I was exhausted and being woken up at 6-7 am on a regular basis so I wasn’t getting nearly enough sleep as naps just weren’t possible.

One of the other challenges that I have run into is the simple fact that I was now using a computer for a consistent 6-8 hour period of time but my arms and shoulders have started having the “numb and tingly” feeling again, as well as severe pain, to the point where Tylenol just hasn’t been helping at all.  On my left arm there is a consistent shooting pain that goes from my middle finger up to my shoulder.  I haven’t been able to massage it out and heat (which normally helps a lot) on helps for a few minutes.

Also, because I am now sitting in one spot for 6-8 hours in a desk chair, though it is comfortable for a few minutes, after two days of using it as a chair with the arms and back, I was barely able to walk because of the pain in my hips and back.  I have since removed the arms and back of the chair and use it more like an ottoman and that has seemed to help a lot.

I have also been having severe bouts of feeling like my heart was racing, a fast pulse and pain and pressure that has sent me to the ER before.

Throughout all of this we are all so dealing with the fact that we will be moving this summer and have to sell/give away everything that won’t fit in the car to move.  We still don’t have our housing finalized or financial aid for my husband finalized but because of the timing we have to start getting rid of things and packing now, because it will happen very quickly due to my work schedule.  (Side note: Wow just typing about that has raised my BP and set off some symptoms).

I have been having to use my inhaler more frequently (partly because I am not very good at taking it when I am supposed to and partly because I am having more numb and tingly feeling in my face and lips).

I think that is everything that I have been experiencing lately.

Anyway, I was laying there enjoying the morning and thinking about the fact that I hadn’t updated my blog or website in a very very very long time, and I really needed to.  So, to recap, we have added Zrytec and an inhaler to my med routine, and they are making a difference which is wonderful.  As much as I hate taking medicine when it works I don’t mind nearly as much.

I am finishing up training for the job that I started training for nearly a month ago.  I am handling it pretty well, though it is requiring some anti-anxiety meds as I do get a severe bout of anxiety in the beginning of the day, but I assume that the more comfortable I get the less that I will need to rely on that.  The only other struggle that I seem to be dealing with is getting and staying comfortable in my chair for 8 hours.  There have been days that have ended in so much pain in my hips that walking was so painful it brought on tears.  I have adjusted my chair (made it more of a stool by taking off the back and arms) so that I can adjust my position a lot more.  I am looking into other options that will work for me, and contacting the disability people to see if they have any suggestions.

We are still waiting to hear about moving to TN for the Hubs to go to school, right now we are waiting for confirmation on the housing and the student loans to get approved and of course the funds to move with.  That is a subject that is stressful, and is to be expected to.  We always have the option of waiting until next semester, although the funds plan/budget is all based around moving this summer…So we will see.

That’s about all that I can think of  that needs to be updated.

How do I get that fearless person I was and loved being back?