The journey from “I want” to I will..

Life has been fairly good lately. I have been a productive member of society, cleaning, cooking, mostly done from a combination of sitting and standing, I still have such extreme pain in my lower back and neck and shoulders when I stand for anything more than just a few minutes. But I am doing things that I haven’t done in years and I am truly enjoying them.
I started cooking again, haven’t made any of my favs or anything and have been following recipes rather than creating my own but I do see that happening in the future. I am getting frustrated enough with my limitations that I am truly wanting to change them.
I feel safe, and that I am in a safe place. The kiddo has been sleeping in her own room for a month and a half now and I am ok with it, though
“bad” thoughts do pop in my head now and again that spur some anxiety but I quickly squash those thoughts.
I have been driving on campus once in a while and am ‘mostly’ ok with that but would rather not be in our SUV at all. I feel that 90% of my anxiety with the car is the car itself and look forward to earning a new car that I will feel comfortable and enjoy driving again. I so miss it.
My outlook has been fairly positive lately. I really do credit a lot of that to a combination of listing to a lot of preaching and Mary Kay motivational CDs. Hearing about women who were in worse situations and issues that I have/am in, and have dug themselves out is a great thing. I know that I can do that as well.
I have been looking at shoes lately and drooling over heels that even 3 months ago I wouldn’t of dreamed of wearing (or I would have found room in the car to keep the ones I had) and now I can’t wait to have enough money to buy even one pair.
I will wear heels again and LOVE them. I have a plan to get used to wearing them and walking in them with out the aid of anything but my own poise. I know that it will be a journey and it will hurt but I will do it.
I am SURPRISINGLY excited about having people come over to my house, and haven’t had a single anxiety attack related to someone knocking on our door with out any notice and having people in the house without the hubs here. That is a HUGE GIANT step.
I do still have anxiety about some things, like the car and finances, some of this is normal but some of it really isn’t. I still have relapses of pain and fade quickly if I haven’t had enough protein or haven’t slept enough.
All in all things are looking up, I haven’t had any doctors appointments down here yet because we have to pre-pay for them, and they are expensive.
That’s pretty much it for now. Thought an update was due.

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